


It’s okay. (but it really isn’t)

by Jackyyy_V



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Captain Kim Hongjoong, Captivity, Crimes & Criminals, Depressing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pirates, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Thought Projection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:07:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27925747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackyyy_V/pseuds/Jackyyy_V
Summary: By now I am full on crying. Why…? I don’t know. I can’t say, ‘cause I don’t understand myself. I choose this life. I choose this fate. I always felt like dying inside anyway. What is this feeling?The realisation hit me like a brick on the head. I didn’t want it to end. I am not ready to die. I am not ready to leave you.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Kudos: 7





	It’s okay. (but it really isn’t)

**Author's Note:**

> Not Beta read. Also, English is not my first language, so if someone wants to beta my stuff, i'll be very thankful :D

_Sometimes I just wanna close my eyes forever. I wish that I could turn back time. That I could go back to the days where everything was simple. But when did things start getting complicated anyway? I honestly don’t remember._  
_Maybe everything started to fall apart when I first met you. When I requested you to join me and my crew. And you did. Even when you knew how dangerous it would be to become a pirate. I am sorry that I even asked you in the first place, because if I haven’t done that, you wouldn’t have to suffer with me now._  
_It’s not your fault though. I am the one at fault, ‘cause I fell in love with you._  
_If you weren’t that important to me, they wouldn’t have catch us. But there is no use in pondering over ‘what ifs’ now._  
_It’s almost over now anyway._  
_We’re criminals of the sea. We’re ruthless and cruel. At least that is what the people think of us. You are not any of this things and still… you are trapped here in this prison with me._

_I look over to your still unmoving form lying on the ground. Your hands are bound behind your back. Our trial was yesterday. They didn't order you to court, and I am glad they didn't. I'm grateful that I could convince them that I forced you to join us. That I manipulated you to become a pirate. The officials still see you as the innocent prince who got corrupted by scum like me. The judge let you of the hook. You’ll be free by tomorrow afternoon. Your family will come and get you back home. Sure… they’ll punish you, but that’ll be most likely something like ‘You are grounded, young master Park!’._  
_Me on the other hand…_  
_I haven’t told you yet. I haven’t told you what the judge decided to be our fate._  
_I shake my head to get rid of my overbearing thoughts. It’s not about me this time. It’s all about your safety and the safety of my crew; Illusions crew._

_I try to cheer myself up by thinking of all the beautiful memories we made together. The way you smiled at me. The way you always scolded me for not getting enough sleep. The way you mocked me for my lack of height. Or simply the way you spoke my name. Like it meant something. Like I meant something. Thank you for that, by the way._  
_You aren’t even aware of how many times you saved my life. How you saved me from myself all this god-damn time._  
_Even in the moment we got caught you still held that shimmer of hope in your eyes. Even when the officials dragged us down here in their darkest prison you still said that the others will come and get us soon. I know that you are kinda right about that, but then again… they won’t be fast enough._  
_It’s a shame though, because I really wanted to win that bet against Mingi. I am 100% sure that San and Wooyoung are dating. I just feel it in my guts. Or how Yeosang calls it; ‘my gaydar’. Whatever the fuck that means._  
_I’ll also miss your cooking. You made the best baked fish ever. Period. Don’t ever let Jongho tell you otherwise again! He’s just upset, because no one praises him as much as before you joint us._

_By now I am full on crying. Why…? I don’t know. I can’t say, ‘cause I don’t understand myself. I choose this life. I choose this fate. I always felt like dying inside anyway. What is this feeling?_  
_The realisation hit me like a brick on the head. I didn’t want it to end. I am not ready to die. I am not ready to leave you. I am not ready to leave Illusion. There’s still so much I haven’t said. Still so much to discover. Still so much years to live._

In the corner of my eye I notice Seonghwa stirring awake. It’s now or never. If I want him to know the truth… I would have to tell him now.  
‘’Joong…?’’ Hwa asked groggily while he tries to sit up straight. He’s studying my face in the dim light. ‘’Are you… are you crying?’’ he asked me concerned. That made a sob escape my lips, but I still shake my head in denial. ‘’...’m not...’’ I honestly don’t know who I’m trying to convince here. Hwa shakes his head in disbelieve.’’Always so stubborn’’ he mumbles while crawling next to me. Now he’s right there. His right side pressed against me. His warmth is comforting, but also makes me so sad at the same time. I know that this will probably be our last few moments together.

It’s now or never…

‘’I love you.’’ I confess before he has the chance to say anything else at all.  
‘’Joong… What-’’  
‘’Shhh- You don’t have to say anything. You don’t need to answer, Hwa.’’ I assure him. ‘’I know that you don’t feel the same way… and that’s okay. I just wanted you to know that I love you. I always have.’’  
Seonghwa looks at me awestruck. ‘’But Captain… We won’t die here! Yunho and the others are coming for us. You know that! They’ll be here by tomorrow. The Illusion is a fast ship and they probably already have an escape plan for us at hand. We’ll be fine. I promise! So please… don’t cry. And don’t act like you’re going to die….’’  
A small sad smile finds it way on my face as I tell him: ‘’Seonghwa… I am sentenced to death. They’ll execute me this evening...’’  
Silence falls around us like a heavy blanked.  
‘’What…? No!! But you said that… You said that they wouldn’t to that, if you tried to proof them what we’re doing then-’’  
‘’But I didn’t. I didn’t try to convince them that I am a good guy, ‘cause they got dirt on you for killing that one thief.’’  
‘’But...that was self defence!’’  
‘’And they wouldn’t believe that.’’  
Seonghwa was crying silent tears by now.

_I don’t wanna make you cry. I am sorry_

‘’But how does that make you the bad one? Shouldn’t I be the one sentenced to death?? Wait… am I?’’  
‘’God, no! You’ll live. I convinced them that I am pirate scum that corrupted you. They easily believed that lie. Your family will pick you up tomorrow afternoon...’’  
Hwa looked at me. Clearly speechless.  
‘’You… you lied to save me? You are dying, because of me?’’ he looked at me with hurt in his eyes and I instantly felt bad, but then again…  
‘’I am not dying ‘because of you’… I am dying ‘for you’.’’ I correct him. ‘’Because I love you.’’

Seonghwa is sobbing in my shoulder. Still huddled up right next to me. ‘’You are an idiot, Captain!’’ he scolds me through tears.  
‘’I know. And I am sorry.’’ I answer him, equally crying.

_I’ll die this evening. And I am afraid. But it’s okay. Because I'll die for you. It’s okay, because I choose this. It’s okay, because that’s the live of a pirate. It’s okay. (but it really isn’t)_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
